Too many questions!

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite.

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are March 4, 2006 out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Voted #1 Joke in 2003

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?

Little Patrick told him,"I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

Ever Wonder?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Priceless

Whis i was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e. 4 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun lying in wait on the other side. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, (with the classic patrinizing smirk we all know and love) and asked "What's your hurry?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah" said the cop. "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher" I responded.
The cop stammered, "A what-a rectum stretcher? Just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to 2 fi9ngers, then 3, then 4, then with my whole hand in, I work side to side until I can get both hands in. The I slowly but surely stretch, until it is about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" asked the cop.
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticked: $95.00
Court Fees: $45.00
Cops Face: Priceless

TWENTY-FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY NOW

If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
It isn't the jeans that make your butt look big.

HMO

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan.
But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor! insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 CO-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Giving 100%

Ain't this the truth.....

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

What makes up 100% in life?
If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, And, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.